Growing up, I never really thought about life’s struggles. I grew up on a small farm just outside a really tiny neighborhood. We lived right in the middle of many bean/cornfields. As a child, I was a tomboy and played with my brothers outside every chance I could get. We would make up games and play “Indians at war” or “cops and robbers”. Life was as care-free as it could get.
As I got older, I started to realize just how cruel life could be. Things that I never dreamed would happen, happened. There I was. Eighteen. Without parents. All alone, in an apartment. During this time in my life, I felt completely alone even though I had a whole church that loved me. I had friends that cared. One by one, I slowly blocked people out of my life. They tried to reach out to me but I had fallen so low in depression. I was afraid of letting people into my life. I didn’t want to be hurt anymore. I focused so much on this that I let it consume my life. It was so self-consuming that I became selfish and jealous anytime someone looked like they were having a good time with friends and family.
One day, one of my friends finally talked to me. I guess you could call it tough love. I tried to defend myself but my words were shot down. I tried to show how awful my life was. I thought that surely, no one else had it this tough. He got angry and stopped me from talking anymore. He told me about the abuse he and many other people had faced as children. He told me how other people had struggles too. I lived such a sheltered life that I didn’t realize what every other person faced in their lives too.
From that time, I began to see how other people were affected by my actions. I began to see how other people had battles and storms in their own lives. During that summer though, I continued on a downward spiral and ended up having to go to a counselor after some serious circumstances took place. This week, I’ve been thinking a lot about what I had faced and what I had learned during that time. In my darkest moment, I would feel like God deserted me. I could not pray. This spring, I began to feel like there was hope, that I would finally get rid of my depression.
The reason why I have been thinking about that time is that I have felt more and more of God’s presence with me. I am able to pray and not feel like I’m talking to a brick wall anymore. When I look back to last year to my darkest moments, I do realize that God must have been with me every step of the way. There were times where I could have died. Literally. I wanted to die and I didn’t care if I did or not. Now I am so so thankful that I am here today.
There’s a song that speaks the words of my heart. It’s a song that speaks about going through life’s storms. It speaks about holding dreams in your hands only to have them slip through your fingers like grains of sand. But there’s one thing that is reliable, one thing that will never change. In this song, it is called the Anchor. That Anchor is Jesus. As I look back, I realize that I had indeed gone through a horrible storm in my life. It seemed like I was the only one “sailing” in this storm alone. But Jesus as my Anchor was always there, faithful and unfailing.
Whoever is reading this, please never ever hurt yourself. I regret the things I did. I regret the scars. If you feel alone, you are free to contact me. Talk to me. Talk to anyone. Don’t think that you are alone because it seems like no one cares. Many times when you are going through a hard time, people don’t even realize it. Reach out to them. Make yourself vulnerable no matter how hard it is for you. Ask for help.
If you have gone through a horrible time in your life, reach out to others. Make sure they know that they are not alone in this storm. You know how it feels to assume that you are alone. It feels awful. Help a person today and make them feel loved. It will mean the world to that person.
P.S. The link to this song is here. I hope you enjoy this song!